"The Arena"

At some point we singles have to face that, as we approach our older years, leaving behind old flames, relationships, marriage, dealing with divorce, and reenter the dating world, it's not a cake walk. It can be hard, scary, downright terrifying. We all have these wounds and memories we carry with another, about the other, these experiences mold us in one shape or form. The memories can haunt us and create a distortion of reality. Sharing our memories with another is something we can really only do within a safe container… and, to think we will meet someone who doesn’t have baggage is a joke. 

And yet how do we process this information? It’s in how we open or not to what is happening now that we grow and evolve, or get stuck in a repetitive cycle of …WTF. You can be diligently doing the inner work, but at some point it really comes down to recognition and whether it's reciprocal, or not. 

In these deeply personal relationship dynamics, we have to check our own egos when it comes to our partners past. What they loved about someone else, may not be present in the relationship… yet. Especially when it comes to intimacy, where years spent with someone else, at the end of that experience we can kind of make this overall calculation or summary of what the experience was for you. But its been my seeing that some things really just don't make sense, until they do. We tend to forget the pain of loving that person in order to try again… or, sometimes we try again while still remembering the pain, and that serves as a reminder, sign posts, what we call red or yellow, and green flags. 

One could ask “How much healing has been done around this wound?” And when it resurfaces, do you see growth in your own reactions? I ask, "When are we going to love ourselves, stop this incessant need to "heal", instead, simply to be, allow, accept? If anything,  can we hold space for another to feel?? 

"How you respond to conflict is a direct reflection of how you meet your own pain, needs, insecurities"… do you agree with that statement? And the thing is, we really can not know if all the work we’ve done to love and accept ourselves is working, or sticking - without reentering "The Arena”. 

I have a client that shared this quote with me a few months ago. It was right about the time I was deciding whether I was ready to reenter a few different arenas in life; "life school". One of these wonderings was on whether I am really ready to give dating a chance again. I have a girlfriend that has been encouraging me to, she knows that I have a lot of love to give, but also a lot of trepidation around it for varying personal reasons, harsh experiences... but she’s been an encouragement, none the less, it just hasn’t felt like time… but it had been weighing on my heart and mind. 

Then my client shared this quote. He was talking about creating a business and a life that he sees is possible for me, if I dare to try. He senses my heart, I know it, I feel it from him, this beautiful sense of recognition that my soul so craves... we such a wonderful energy exchange going on that I deeply value and appreciate. It's been a real gift to experience from him, this sweet 91 year old man. He knows a thing or two and has observed and supported many couples in relationships in some of the service he provided during his years. For the HD enthusiasts - he's a 1/3 cross of service, which so happens to be my Uranus opposition, though in a 4/6 profile. To is has felt synchronistic doesn't quite cut it, but you may get my drift. 

Dare to suck, as another friend and teacher put it. The quote actually brought deep pain releasing tears to my eyes, and filled my heart with recognition in some way. Like an awareness, a remembrance that … yes, I want this love in my life, I’ve been through so many battles and being in the wrong place, wrong people, the pain of not being seen, not even seeing myself, and the distortion it all caused. I know I deserve it, love… and I know what I am capable of giving, more than I’ve ever been.  And… “You gotta pay to play”, so to speak… and so, I did it. I reentered the dating scene, via an app. 

In order to love you must be willing to love. And how incredibly vulnerable it is to put yourself out there with the possibility that it’s not met with reciprocity? 

What I’ve found so far, in reflection and projection mirrored, is that yes, my inner work is revealing itself to me. I’ve also been shown where I have room for growth and cultivation of where I’m limited, acceptance in that as well as opportunities to stretch and strengthen these areas where I am weak… because I do have weaknesses. I’m not perfect…  I’m also aware that a lot of what I’m feeling or experiencing is not an isolated experience. I’m not alone in feeling the incredible grief of past love done array. I’m not alone in the experience of feeling unheard or unseen, misunderstood, or simply recognizing where I’m an idiot, and have reactions to things that I don’t particularly feel are in alignment with who I am now, or who I see I want to be now and in the future. 

It’s in both men and women that are experiencing these results, when dating again after heartbreak, loss, and rebuilding ourselves from the inside, out. The process of rebirthing the lover within, the self we were before the pain… we really are never the same. 

And that really is something we must recognize. 

People change us, our experiences with others change who we once were. Hopefully what they lead to is an awareness of where our self love needs tending, where we have space to grow, but also where we are convicted in our needs, and what I call negotiables and non-negotiables. Where we do recognize and love ourselves...

No relationship is perfect for no two people are perfect, but they can find the balance that works for them and that can be their unique version of perfect. When two imperfect people come together with the same ideas of what love can be, or look like, feel like… what a gift! And yet there is bound to be these wounds of what it didn’t look like, what stood in the way of that love to grow, what hurt us, where we went wrong or the other left a mark - they’re bound to come up. 

It’s in … can we recognize this is a vulnerable space that we touched on? And can we talk it through? For clarity, for the sake of not transferring a wound to the other? So we can avoid this in the future? For the benefit of what we have developed to flourish in richer, more nourishing soil? Weeding out the likes and dislikes with someone you feel aligned with is not easy to do… we’re going to hurt each other, it’s inevitable. But how do we recoil, or regenerate to course correct, and meet the other in a way that reconnects that initial spark? And not only reconnect the spark but help it grow, to stoke that fire… it all takes vulnerability, whether it’s acknowledged, or not. It's hard. 

You are so brave for trying! We need to acknowledge how brave you are.. do you see that in you? 

It takes being so incredibly vulnerable. And this is what we fear the most, yet crave the most simultaneously - to be seen in our nakedness, and still loved and accepted as we are. Thats not just our named bodies. This so so much deeper than the skin. 

To love and be loved even with all our scars and battle wounds. 

To meet someone that sees our beauty, despite our flaws. 

That when we do re-enter The Arena that we find that it isn’t a wasted effort, but a learning and growing experience, with perhaps lots of twists and turns, a few curve balls, hopefully none that leave you with a black eye, or sent to the bench. Maybe some timeouts and regrouping, team work makes the dream work, yeah? 

We all want to find a person that sees us and wants the same as we do… sameness really is way sexier than it gets credit for, especially as we age and mature.

We’ve all have our pain. Whose face is not “marred by dust and sweat and blood”?? 

The question I find being asking, perhaps unconsciously, perhaps not; is who can love us, despite these things… who can we talk about these pains and grievances with, and develop that deep, deep connection the human spirit so craves? To thrive in love, not fear or suffer or worry. 

What is it that creates a deep sense of security, for both involved? 

It will look different for each of us as not one of us is the same… and doesn’t that just add to the experience of excitement, confusion, vulnerability, etc… 

There is so much I could touch on in this quote alone. About life, success or failure, the 3rd line way… so much trial and error for this heretic… If you know, you know... I hope you don't give up, I hope you know you are worthy of a healthy, safe love. I know I’m meant to get it, sooner or later. Maybe in my sharing you see a bit of yourself? Maybe in this quote you are inspired to try again? I don’t know, but I’m somewhat empty of reason or strategy in my sharing as of late except to get it out of me - that which I sense others may suffer in silence about… what we fear to say that needs to be said. 

I was talking with a friend and I said something that surprised myself but it’s true. Men not only need men to hold space for one another to unpack the pain and grief, and women don’t only need women to support in this way as well… but women need men that can hold this sacred space for them, and men need us women as well to offer the same. IN relationships, its a must. To be able to get to this space where we can support each others growth, release the pain of past hurts, and move forward, ushering in this more compassionate and loving future. The grief that is here for the lack thereof brings up such deep sadness, big tears. It’s so rare to find someone willing and able… I hope you find that person for you. I hope the same for me, too. 

Even if it means learning a few hard lessons of truth along the 3rd line way... I’m here for it. My heart was born to be a lover, and a lover I will be, I am. And when the right man arrives, the right time, all the things it takes... I’m trusting that it'll all just work out as it's meant to be. 

You know? It really is just what it is… until it isn’t. 

It’s ok to not be ok, it’s ok to hurt over love losses. It’s ok to be wounded AND still find someone that will see all of you and love you anyways. Do you dare to enter The Arena? The journey isn’t necessarily for everyone… it’s ok. It really is ok… it’s all perfectly imperfect. Anyway...

I love you, I really do. Despite all odds. 

TBC...

Love yourself, choose wisely 

🙏🏽💔❤️‍🩹❤️🕊️ - Katy